iAm not Samantha
by Whitewash893
Summary: Why doesn't Sam go home after being at Carlys? where is her dad? where is Freddies dad? why is sam always so mean? this story reveils some things that are more than the show lets on...
1. Chapter 1

**Authors note: I decided to make an iKiss fanfiction, just like everyone else… I think this is a oneshot but if people want me to continue I can and will.**

**Disclaimer: I recently heard a lot about reverse phycology so… I do own iCarly and the rest of nickelodeon mwa ha ha ha ha, I will never take over the world and I didn't write this**

Carly had just been yelling the truth in my face. How it was all my fault that Freddie had the worst week of his life, my fault if iCarly was ruined, my fault… And worst thing is, I knew it was true, Carly NEVER yells at me, she didn't even yell when we were fighting and I broke her big screen TV.

I feel kind of sick, my stomic feels like its about to fall out of my body. I feel guilty, it's the first time in years, last time I felt guilty….

_Daddy and I were playing catch in the park. I love playing with my daddy, he and mummy are the best mummy and daddy in the world! We have a big house and I get whatever I want! We have nice people that cook and clean. My best friend in the world doesn't though. _

_Poor Freddie, his daddy gives him and his mummy ouchies. He's very mean. Once when mummy took me over to see over to see Freddie when his daddy was out we listeneded to our mummys talking and heard Freddies mummy say that Freddies daddy 'uses', I don't know what that means but Freddie says it's bad and his daddy hits him because of it._

"_Ouch!" I say as the ball hits me on the head, I started to cry._

" _Samantha, honey, are you ok?" my daddy askes and hugs me._

"_I'm ok daddy" I say, I always feel better with daddy there "I'll go get the ball". _

_Somehow the ball went onto the road. I run to it, I was just about to get it when daddy pushed me off the road, I hit my head hard. But I didn't, couldn't, cry when I saw what happened to daddy, he was hurt, there was blood everywhere. The driver just drove off, but before he did I saw who it was, it was Freddies daddy._

_Daddy called an ambarance to come and take us to hospital. That night daddy died. Mummy came up to my room in the hospital and yelled at me, I know I deserved it, it was my fault. If I had looked both ways like mummy and daddy always told me to daddy would be alive._

_That night when mummy left I cried, I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. Once I had finished crying I made two promises to myself, 1) I would never blame Freddie for what his dad did, and 2) I would never cry again._

I felt guilty then, very guilty. Since then I found out a lot more than I knew then_, _my dad had paid the people to be our servants, Freddie's dad had been a drug user and been high at the time. Since then Freddie's mum had, had enough of his dad and they got a divorce, Freddie and I had fallen apart and my mother had drunk the fortune we once had so now we lived in a grubby old apartment.

I did keep my promises though, I always keep my promises, I even took the second one a step further. It has been years since I had let myself be myself, I had made myself a shell, if I acted like someone I'm not then if people insulted me they wouldn't get to me, if I wasn't myself then I would never need to sad again.

And since I had become Sam it was rare I had been. Sure I got upset when I worked for chilli-my-bowl, but who wouldn't be.

Sam didn't get upset like Samantha would, Sam got angry. Samantha would never insult her best friend but Sam lived for it. Samantha loved schoolwork more than Freddie did, Sam hated it. Samantha would have been voted most likely to succeed, Sam was voted most likely to go to prison. Samantha was rich, Sam was lucky to get a half eaten bowl of chilli. Samantha loved her dad, Sam didn't have one. Samantha's mum loved her, Sam's mum forgot she had a daughter. Samantha was in love with her best friend, Sam had never felt love.

Sam and Samantha, we are two different people, and yet we're the same. Some people would say that day I had become Samantha, but I know I hadn't, that day I was still Sam, I was experiencing everything for the first time. I acted like Samantha more than I had for a long time, but I was nowhere near being sweet little Samantha.

While I was close to being myself I almost said things that Sam wouldn't even consider, I wanted to tell him everything Samantha thought, I actually wanted to conclude by kissing him, I AM SAM, I AM NOT MEANT TO THINK LIKE… LIKE… SAMANTHA!

After I apologised he had the idea that we should kiss, it almost made me think that it wouldn't have been so bad to have told him what I thought when I was Samantha, but that was then, Sam doesn't fall in love.

But I think that changed when we did actually kiss. I do know my heart melted, I couldn't breath and I saw colours exploding in front of my still open eyes, what felt like soon I closed my eyes. The kiss ended to soon, had I have been Samantha I would have told him, but I wasn't. I am Sam. Samantha is gone.

Or at least I thought she was.


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors note: Aww, you people are so nice 8 people want me to continue, well, that I know of… so remember review and tell me you love my story, I****'****m a brilliant writer, my updating this story is the best thing that****'****s happened all day or that I really need to tone down the arrogance. Also this is NOT the end of the story. Hopefully this is as good as or better than last chapter. Tell me what you think!**

**Disclaimer: All characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to a real person, living or dead, is purely coincidental… Also I don****'****t own iCarly. But, if you****'****re reading this Mr. Dan Schneider, I would be happy to act on it or accept it as a gift**

I sat on Carly's balcony thinking.

I can't love Freddie!

Samantha can love him all she wants but she'd better not let it leak into my head… Again.

You see last night I kissed Samantha's dream guy, I don't know why I did it, I'm sure Samantha was closer to the surface than she had been in years. but you know the most scary thing? I think Freddie knew it.

Freddie and I knew each other very well back when I was Samantha, I could almost read his mind and he could almost read mine. When I look back at Samantha, which I rarely do, I think he loved me too. I think that maybe if I had done something to tell him, Sam may have never existed, iCarly would be funnier and Freddie and I would be together.

But do I really want that? Do I want to be Samantha? Sure I want iCarly to be as funny as possible... And sure, it might be nice to not to have random people running away from me… But me and Freddie… Do I want that? Or do I mean would Samantha want that?

I would talk to Carly about it, but she doesn't know. As in anything… She doesn't know what happened to mine or Freddie's fathers. She never met Samantha and she never will

We met her a week after 'it' happened…

_I've had the worst week of my life… My daddy died and it my fault! If I hadn't run out… I don't even want to think about it!_

"_Samantha, I'm glad to you back at school…" Said my annoying teacher miss Briggs._

"_Call me Sam, no-one calls me Samantha!" I say to 'the worlds best teacher'._

"_Samantha! Why are you acting like this?" Said miss Briggs_

"_She's just upset, she should be normal in a few days" Said Freddie_

"_What and I'm not normal now!" I ran off crying I knew I wasn't acting normal but I was already upset._

_I was hungry, I had been a lot since 'it' happened, it was weird. I saw some random girl with a tuna sandwich and since mummy said I didn't deserve lunch today for doing that to daddy she wouldn't have it for long…_

I never told Carly why I tried to steal her lunch, and I won't tell her that the only way I can get lunch is to steal it, borrow money or win a bet.

It's not like I don't think Carly can handle it, before she came to Seattle her mum got cancer and she deteriorated in front of Carly's eyes.

It's kind of weird now I think about it, all of us had a parent lost tragically.

Sometimes I wonder if life's worth living at all, would death really be that bad? Would it hurt to just jump off the balcony? I know the impact would, but why would half a second matter when I would never have to feel pain again?

Death would be nice. I have nothing to lose. I don't like my life and I'll only have three people at my funeral, my own mother isn't even included in that.

I stand up and walk over to the edge, I close my eyes and take a deep breath and jump head first off the balcony.


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors Note: HUGE cliff hanger last chapter… Sorry about that… There's dialog in this chapter… A lot of it… And it's a little short… I'll stop talking and let you read what happens next…**

"Sam!" I hear Freddie yell just as I jump.

Suddenly I feel a hand around my ankle. I glance up he's leaning over the balcony in a very dangerous way.

"Let go" I say in barely more than a whisper.

"I won't let you die" he said while putting his other hand around my ankle and trying to pull me up.

"Why not? I always torment you! Why would you care?" I ask letting sorrow coat my voice.

"I love you" he say's and I feel a tear drop touch my foot "Don't go"

"Freddie let it go, sweet little 'Freddie's perfect match' Samantha is gone. Please Freddie, let it go, let me go" I say pleading with him, I knew I made a mistake jumping, yet I knew mum would have pushed me off herself had she had the chance and I should move somewhere else. I knew I loved Freddie, I knew I had been in denial. I wanted Freddie to pull me up but I knew he wasn't that strong and the way he was holding me we'd both go over.

"Freddie? Why are you sitting like that?" I hear Carly ask.

"Carly… call the police… or the fire department…" I hear Freddie gasping.

"Why? Is there a fire?" She asked genuinely concerned.

"No… it's Sam… She tried to jump…" as Freddie says that I feel him grab my ankle tighter.

"Oh my god! Why?" I hear Carly say obviously shocked by my suicide attempt.

"How the hell should I know?" I hear Freddie yell recovering his voice fully " just get Spencer and make call for gods sake!"

"Oh right" Said Carly, She never was good under pressure…

"_Come on Carls" I say annoyed with my best friend "You're an awesome singer! You'll do great" _

_Great was an understatement, the girl was amazing! _

"_ok I'll go out there" she went out on the talent show stage then tripped over, a minor setback, this wasn't a beauty pageant, although Carly could have won one of those too._

_But Carly didn't take that in her stride, she did start to sing but her voice was wobbly with nerves and cracked on notes she usually did with no problem. Then to top of the lousy performance she fainted! If it wasn't so serious I would laugh, but Carly is my best friend so instead me and Fred-dork carry her to the nurses office. _

"Spencer get out here!" Carly yells out.

"I can't kiddo I'm a little busy" Spencer yelled back.

"Spencer Sam's dangling off the balcony! Prioritize!" Carly yelled.

"oh my god! That I have time for!" Spencer yelled running out. He grabbed my ankle and tried to pull me up, he had no more success than Freddie. Either this guy needs to go to the gym or I need to lay off my fat-cakes.

"hello? Yes… my friend tried to jump off the Bushwell plaza… my brother and another friend are holding her up… yes… ok… bye… They'll be here in fifteen minutes" she yelled the last bit

Fifteen minutes seemed to go by quickly, soon I could hear the fire truck and see flashing lights coming around the corner.

I watched them set up a big net then heard the guy talking into a bullhorn tell Freddie and Spencer to let go. Spencer let go of me the second they told him to. Freddie on the other hand has slower reflexes and was pulled over the edge with me.

I was right, falling wasn't so bad, or at least it wasn't until I banged my head against the balcony ten beneath Carlys'. When I hit my head I heard a sickening crunch, the rest of the way down all I could feel was pain and all I could see was red, I could hear blood pumping through my ears and oddly enough I could faintly hear 'Don't Forget' by Demi Lavato... Very fitting in a sick way…

**Authors note 2.0: I don't know what I think of this chapter… but I do know its not over yet! Oh and for a bit of light comedy you should see ****The LM Show**** (if it didn't link put this in the address: bar .com/watch?v=jw6fTFKI75I) If you like iCarly and/or my writing check it out! **


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